As friends become complainers, 30-something sees them ‘out of duty’ Dear Carolyn: I’m a woman in her early 30s and am feeling increasingly disconnected from my female friends, and no, it’s not just because some have children. I’ve noticed even more now our social time is dedicated to comparing lives, complaining about jobs, the system, child care, bodies, food and other barriers women face. I am a feminist and completely understand these systemic injustices. I also have increasingly little emotional capacity to take them on with my friends; I leave hangouts feeling lower than when I started. I need to focus my energy: I run my own business, and it’s enough to make things work as an independent in a notoriously challenging industry. I also simply can’t relate to quite a lot of what other woman face at my life stage. I’ve worked through my body image problems and eat and exercise for growth rather than destruction, I don’t have financial trouble — and although work is hard and I’m not where I want to be professionally, I fundamentally believe in myself. I feel like a bit of [a glass bowl] to say it, but I feel I’m hanging out with my friends more out of duty now, with my mother on my shoulder saying, “Make sure you have friends.” I’m not ashamed to admit that I also miss having FUN with friends and laughing rather than sitting around at brunch comparing notes. I miss doing dumb, silly, fun stuff that’s vanishingly rare as an adult. The tragedy of this really hit me at a BBQ with my boyfriend’s extended family a few weekends ago. I spent the whole day sitting, trapped, listening to boring middle-aged people talk about their boring lives. I really don’t want this to become my leisure time as an adult. Yes, I have outlets — I’ve started performing again and there’s a group of us getting paid for shows, which is awesome. Advice and perspective are welcome here on how to navigate the next few years. I really want to start significantly reducing the amount of time I spend with people, but I’m also aware a No. 1 regret at death is not staying in touch with friends. — Frustrated Girlfriend Introducing Say More, a new advice column from The Washington Post. Carolyn’s been writing her advice column for two decades. Explore the archives below. | 
