Tell kids that ex’s betrayal means ‘I no longer believe in love’? Dear Carolyn: A bunch of years ago, I found myself blindsided with the end of my decades-long marriage. My wife was cheating on me with a co-worker whom she later married. It took me, our friends, our families and children by complete surprise. Since then, I’ve dated a bunch of women. Some were just a couple of dates, a couple were for a year, and currently I’ve been dating someone for three years. We get along well both emotionally and physically and are both fine with the relationship. The problem is that I don’t love-love her (or any of the others), and I don’t think I’ll ever have those feelings for anyone ever again. Sounds dramatic, I know. But the sad fact is, I’m not really over the relationship with my now-married ex! The way she left never allowed me to confront her or get angry at her or scream and yell and tell her she was an awful person or anything close to that. There was no closure, and I went from happily married to separated then divorced in an instant. All my memories of her are happy, which makes it hard to get over, I guess. Anyhow, recently my mid-20s daughter asked me how it was going with “Erin,” my girlfriend, and I just said “good” or “fine” or something lukewarm. She looked at me quizzically and said something like, “It doesn’t sound that way,” or, “Are you sure?” I expounded on my answer and got a little more enthused, but honestly, if we broke up tomorrow, it wouldn’t bother me that much. Is it wrong to tell my kids that I no longer believe in love, and I’ll never find someone that I feel the way I do about their mother? Again, I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s been years and I’ve never felt any real feelings for anyone. Could I fall in love again? Sure! I’m hopeful, but I’m not feeling it now or in the past seven or so years. So should I be honest with the kids and say, “I’ll never get over your mother, I still love her in spite of the fact she cheated on me and is married to the cheater,” or lie for the greater good? I don’t want to lie, but the other message doesn’t seem like a good idea, either. — Lukewarm Carolyn’s been writing her advice column for two decades. Explore the archives below. |
