Daughter who eloped still wants help paying for a reception Dear Carolyn: My daughter and her husband eloped a few months ago. This was not one of those elopements where the couple secretly lets a few people in on the secret — this was done entirely privately, with both families completely in the dark. My daughter explained to me that this decision was about protecting themselves from the groom’s mother, who can be very difficult and pushy (I can attest this is true). As much as I understand their reasoning, I was still very sad and disappointed not to have been involved in my daughter’s huge milestone. My daughter is now saying they want to have a big party this fall to celebrate their marriage. She has grand ideas about venue, head count and special touches, making this basically an after-the-fact wedding reception. She has asked her dad and me if we will pay for some of it (realistically, almost all of it). Carolyn, this is my baby, and I want all good things for her. I have given her everything I have for her entire life. But I am recoiling, hard, at the idea of spending five figures of money on a party for a wedding she didn’t want to invite me to. I feel as though I learned something new about where I fit into her intimate circle; she and her husband actually did have one friend each attend their elopement as witnesses. And I cannot find a spirit of generosity about the idea of bankrolling this party. She and her husband have already been living together for a couple of years, so their lifestyle isn’t really changing, and they will have been officially married for several months at the point she is targeting … there’s just nothing about it that excites me. And so I wonder what to do. Offer her an amount of money I’m comfortable parting with as a wedding present, and let her throw her own wedding? I think she envisions me consulting with her on dresses, flowers, yada yada, but why now? Only because of the costs? My husband is saying to just zip it and open my purse. — Feeling Used Carolyn’s been writing her advice column for two decades. Explore the archives below. | 
