Favoritism broke this sibling relationship. Can it ever recover? Dear Carolyn: We have a sibling in our family who was clearly one parent’s favorite and got far more than the rest of us, not only emotionally but materially. When Parent did this, Parent would rub it in our faces and then demand to know why we weren’t happier for Sib. It felt like emotional waterboarding. Sib also feels that need to share harsh and unkind observations, and is accustomed to having the rest of us “be the bigger person” or “let it go,” as we were brought up to do. After getting counseling (thank you, couple of excellent therapists), I’ve gotten better at calling it out. Your “wow” and “That was a really hurtful thing to say” help, too. A couple of years ago, though, Sib accused me of something that was not only unkind but also blatantly untrue. Sib had all the evidence to know this was not true but still accused me of going behind their back and plotting to hurt them. I was deeply hurt and massively offended that Sib would think I was capable of any of this, let alone fabricate that I’d actually done it. Sib, when asked to consider the facts, provided a cursory “I’m sorry if I hurt you” apology, followed by a lot of explanation that they were under stress so I couldn’t hold it against them. Sib then whined extensively to favoring parent that I wasn’t behaving warmly toward them. Parent tried to extract a promise that I’d work things out with Sib. I declined to make the promise. A year ago, favoring parent died. Sib now apparently wants to have a relationship with me but says, “I don’t ever want to talk about the past.” I just can’t do it on those terms. I think I’ve forgiven Sib — I understand that all the favoritism very much set them up to feel they were never wrong, and much of my anger is at Parent. But I also believe forgiveness is one thing but walking back up to the person and saying, “Thank you sir, please sir, may I have another,” is an entirely different matter. My rational mind knows this, but I still suspect I’m being horrifically unfair and unforgiving. How do I let go of the idea that it’s on me to make this right when I have zero trust or affection left? — Not Favored Carolyn’s been writing her advice column for two decades. Explore the archives below. | 
